Mommy's Got New Knockers

Because it's never too early to emotionally scar your child, here's a new picture book about plastic surgery aims to explain why mom is getting a flatter tummy and a 'prettier' nose. I really don't want to be all judgy-mental, but this really pisses me off on so many levels. And what does a new nose have do with the price of cotton? "Mommy really loves you, but she hates herself, and many of the genetic traits that you've inherited from her. I know it's confusing now . . . you can work it through with your therapist the first time you go to rehab."

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And So It Ends . . .

The world, that is. So, TMZ.com, themediatakeout.com, and my boyfriends on PTI were all talking about this today. Clearly, it's madness. Star was probably standing on top of the woman Wade was really out with. She's shameless that way.

Of course, this is his ex, so . . .
Yeah, I went there. Whatever.

Gay Boyfriend

Okay, here's the situation, I went to Deity NYC, a new bar/lounge in Boerum Hill. I hadn't been there before, and really didn't expect to have a good time. But, it's a new spot in downtown Brooklyn, so why not check it out, right? My initial sense of the place was, "some seriously bizarro forces must have conspired to bring these people into a room together?" Which is exactly what I love about Brooklyn! Good start. Plus there was an awesome DJ and faux-eurotrashy owners (Why would anyone fake this aesthetic? Only God and Criss Angel know for sure). It all conspired for a fairly fabulous effect. Anyway, I was getting my drunken slut dance on with a member of what I thought was the gay boy contingent, and the next thing I know we're making out. Completely confusing, because . . . I thought he was gay! A view which, witnesses confirm, I shared mid-make out. Classy.

But, here's the thing, I never would have gone all forbidden dance on him if I thought he was straight. On a scale of 1 to 10, how fucked up is that?

Tim McCarver v. Jose Reyes

Or, "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn!"

This is the second Mets' game McCarver has covered this season, and he just can't seem to deal with Jose Reyes' exuberant style.  I can't figure out why he thinks is so important that other teams like the Mets.  Will they get crappy presents when other teams draw their names in MLB Secret Santa?  Will other teams promise to "meet them there," only to never show up?  Will the Mets not have a date to the prom?  The Espys?  Really, who cares?  He actually seems to believe that teams not only play harder, but are actually more effective when they dislike their competitors.  Tell that to the Pistons, Tim.  Could he really believe that the Marlins would have given the Mets a pass at the end of last season if Lastings Milledge hadn't been a jackass?  

I'm thrilled that Carlos Beltran told Jose to go ahead and let his freak flag fly. It can only be a good thing for the Mets.  Everyone else can go deal with themselves.

HuffPost: Obama Outraises Clinton Among Small Town PA

Really, what's going on in Pennsylvania? I'm so baffled. Obama is actually outraising Clinton in rural PA districts--that's areas with fewer than 20,000 residents. Aren't these the same people who are supposed to be outraged by Bitter-Gate [shudder-God, I hate that term]? And, as the article points out, this doesn't capture donations under $200, where Obama, historically, outpaces Clinton. What does it all mean?! Cats and dogs sleeping together? I had promised myself that, in the interest of preserving my sanity, I was just going to take a breather from the madness until May. But, now, I know I'll end up watching that cackling moron (and I say that with love) Chris Matthews crazy talk his way through the returns next Tuesday. Devil in a blue dress!!

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Team-Building or Torture? Does This Sound Like Your Job?

"You saw how hard Chad fought for air right there. I want you to go back inside and fight that hard to make sales." Could. Not. Be. More. Awesome. I'm just waiting for "The Office" to do an episode based on Guantanamo inspired sales techniques.

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Adventures in Latex

I've been dealing with my current non-domiciled status by pursuing a rigorous course of retail therapy.  Completely irrational?  Yes.  But, also a pretty good excuse.  Lately, I've spotted a few fellow Brooklynites giving new life to black leggings by sporting latex versions.  The thought of pairing these with a crisp, thigh-high shirtdress has a very strong appeal.  It wasn't until I started doing some research that I realized was unwittingly just another sheep in the fashonista.  Not the first time I've experienced that revelation. The pair Olsen A is wearing in the picture are made by Kova and T.  They aren't really latex, which as a matter of hygiene seems like the way to go. The bad news is these are back-ordered all over the world.  What's a homeless shopaholic to do?

What I've Been Up To

So, I've been a bit distracted lately. The palace is presently in a state of . . . disrepair. Very sad. Only made worse by the special mixture of insanity and temerity that characterizes my, now (amen and hallelujah) former, tenants. Yes, they started the fire. But, where you or I might have quietly and unobtrusively returned to the property only to collect our charred and water-logged brick-a-brack, maybe muttering an apology before fading into the sunset, these tenants actually asked for their security deposit back!! These tenants threatened legal action when I patiently (truly) tried to explain why that wouldn't be possible. Anyway, the most important thing is that no one was hurt . . . at least, not yet.